Lexus of Portland - Platinum Pee-arena Edition

Every once in a while you get stunned.  Every once in a while you get overwhelmed.  Every once in a while you have a euphoric experience all by yourself.  NEVER, however do all three of these emotions contrive while depositing a number 1 at a car dealership.

NEVER...

Until now.

After several visits of taking my wife's toyota to the standard car dealership for oil changes, I felt the need to "one-up" the treatment to her car and take it someplace fancy.  Therein lies the fundamental reason for my decision to take the urban cruiser to Lexus for a pampered lube job and hand-chamois car wash.

So it goes like this...

I drop the car in the bay, and nobody mistakes me for "that guy" trying to shimmy his lowly toyota into the ultra premium Dosha-like Lexus car spa.  After passing off the keys, I walk into the bathroom and am greeted by all-glass sinks, and what appeared to be standard urinals.  Upon looking at the middle of my cross-hairs, I noticed crushed ice.

Ice?  What the hell is ice doing there????  To top it off, there was a "nothing but the best" rotund pink piss cake at the bottom of the cup.

The review....

• SPLISH SPLASH: 10. There was no evidence of even a microscopic microbial piss bubble making it's way to my shorts, legs or feet for that matter.  Upon hitting the ice, any sort of refractory elements had been immediately disseminated and drooled through the plethora of pencil-sized holes that one has become so used to seeing.  It was at this moment, I realized the ice was there for a reason, however as noted in other factors considered for review, the ice served yet a greater purpose.
• OLFACTORY PROPERTIES: 7. The piss cakes were complimented by one of those automated "who farted" odor neutralizers.  If my eyes were closed, I would have assumed myself to be in Victoria's Secret, however since I left smelling like a florist, I could not rate it any higher than a medium to good "7."
• CLIMATE CONTROL: 10. We have Ice Ice Baby to thank here!! Expected humidity levels for a restroom are typically high enough to properly store cigars at a ripe 70%.  Lacking an accurate hygrometer, I had only my keen senses to rely upon.  Based on my non-scientific analysis, I felt so fresh and so clean, that I could only estimate the humidity levels to be the lowest I have ever experienced.  It could have been caused by a robust HVAC unit, but I am led to believe the leading cause was the crushed, sea-shell sized ice-cubes that mitigated the humidity variance normally caused by many people urinating in the same, small and confined space.  Very amazing, and I would suggest buying a Lexus (or a Toyota), if need be, just to experience this no fog cloud in the windows pissing time.
• COVERT FACTOR: 7. Pretty standard metal/plastic lined and painted beige dividers.  A tall dude standing next to you, however, could probably see enough to tell whether you recently clipped your nails, or even worse, your arsenal.
• APERTURE: 7. Very clean, however nothing out of the ordinary.  Staring at a framed picture of a $110k Lexus leaves little to the imagination.  "The car we think is cool is in this picture in front of you....and its probably staying here, in this picture right in front of you." 
• ATTENDENT: None.
• COST: Variable.  $40k for Lexus (minimum), and $100 (minimum) for oil change.  Alternatives include:
• being "that guy" and taking in your Toyota for a cheaper one-time cost (ie less than the stated $40k for Lexus).
• carrying a bag of ice with you when you go to pee at a different dealership.  This reduces the cost to less than $1, however it is rather inconvenient.  It may address some olifactory or climate issues, but will likely not address all of the environmental variables that cannot be controlled by you.

CONCLUSION:  The average score rates in at 8.2.  Not bad at all for a car dealership, but all in all pricey for 30 seconds of pure enjoyment.

THE KING KEGS AT DESCHUTES BREWERY

Deschutes Brewery, home of the glorious Mirror Pond and the dueling thunder mugs shaped like gigantic whales. While I might have thought it was just me, after some very brief research I found that there are others that have found these enormous "anybody want a peanut" toilets to be astounding. According to an article posted at OregonLive, "These Porcelain edifices were originally made but never used for PJ Clarkes in New York City." http://blog.oregonlive.com/thebeerhere/2008/04/deschutes_brewery_and_restaura.html

On a couple of other sites, these beasts allegedly were made to replicate their predecessors at PJ Clarke that had aged over 100 years. It would be fair to say that they and had built a reputation for the restaurant as having some of the most tubular wizzers. The two that ended up at Deschutes supposedly came from a junk yard of some kind back east. I plan to do some more data mining on where these came from specifically...

On to the website for PJ Clarke's history page...

They quote one of their very frequent patrons from many decades ago regarding their restroom:

"Those Urinals!" He was once heard to joyfully exclaim. "You could stand Abe Beame in there and have room to spare."

-FRANCIS ALBERT SINATRA

http://www.pjclarkes.com/history/

Ok. So there we have it. I got excited about this pisser and my counterparts during my visit accused me to be breast-stroking a wee too far in the deep end for their tastes but guess what....

Frank Sinatra once pissed in this same urinal!!! HOW COOL IS THAT?

EVEN MORE - Frank Sinatra was JOYFUL when he "EXCLAIMED" about them. I don't know how to interpret that specifically, but I will go so far as to infer that he might have blogged on his twitter or facetubed a picture of the leak stations while standing in line for another Manhattan had iPhones been introduced in the 30's.

I promise not to analyze this matter further without figuring out who the hell Abe Beame is and why stuffing him in the porcelain gods could be so fun. Per Wikipedia:

Abraham David "Abe" Beame (March 20, 1906 – February 10, 2001) was mayor of New York City from 1974 to 1977.^[1] As such, he presided over the city during the fiscal crisis of the mid-1970s, during which the city was almost forced to declare bankruptcy. He was a man of short stature, being only five feet, two inches tall.^{[2] While still a student at Baruch College, he co-founded an accounting firm, Beame & Greidinger. After graduation he also taught accounting from 1929 to 1946 at Richmond Hill High School, and eventually accounting and commercial law at Rutgers University during 1944 and 1945. He became city budget director from 1952 to 1961. He was aDemocrat and was elected to two terms as city comptroller in 1961 and 1969.}

I wonder if Sinatra ever tried to piss in this same stall as Beame just to prove a point....

On a side note, I find it interesting that Beame was an accountant.

I guess that says a lot about Sinatra being that he was a man that suggested stuffing accountant-mayors into toilets. Its nice to see what you think of accountants Mr. Sinatra.

Whatever....time to move on to the hot and heavy review of these life changers:

RATINGS 1-10. 1 Being worse than a disgusting rest stop with no TP to 10 being the Pittock Mansion or the Waldorf Astoria. I have peed at neither but I can only imagine how much I would brag about doing so.

• SPLISH SPLASH: 9. No splashing, very clean with respect to this regard. I think that the metaphysics of the roundness of the circumference, length of space between Pee-er and back wall were primary causes of the non-reflecting drip drip.
  
• OLFACTORY PROPERTIES: 5. No evidence of heartfelt attempts to irradicate foul scents. VERY Average.
• CLIMATE CONTROL: 8. Low Humidity, room temperature and what appeared to be a very low barometric pressure. These factors combined led to minimal sweating and fresher-than-usual breathing air.
• COVERT FACTOR: 9. The cavernous urinal allowed for a sense of unmatched privacy delivered in a style unachievable by mere mortal toilets.
  
• APERTURE: 10. Very white. Very Clean. And the sheer size make this one of the most life-changing experiences ever. Off the charts.
  
• ATTENDENT: None.
• COST: $5 (one Pint).

Average Score - 8.2.

Bathroom ratings in Portland

After having some non-trivial inspiration from the gigantic whale-shaped urinals at Deschutes Brewery, I have taken some time to reflect upon the varied places I have used throughout my life here in Portland that have struck me as being truely amazing. In order to guage the "bestness" of the various places I have been, I had to break it down to a few factors that I think are important and lend themselves to a good, mood-changing, experience:

• SPLISH SPLASH: Produced limited or no "splash-back" on my legs and shoes.
  
• OLFACTORY PROPERTIES: Through extensive use of piss-cakes, automatic sprayers, or even windows smell can be changed.
• CLIMATE CONTROL: Humidity, temperature and barometric pressure are all factors that can directly affect the exileration level of a urination.
• COVERT FACTOR: Peeing and having others see you is one of the most suck things I have ever really experienced.
  
• APERTURE: I would peg the visual aspects of cleanliness here, along with the presentation of the pot. The fancier or cooler-looking of course the better. Needless to say, a direct correlation has been established by our fore-fathers that the fancier the place you go to of course the better looking the water closet.
  
• ATTENDENT: This factor is inclusive of the quality of chewing gum provided for tips along with the laugh-factor of the one liner provided right before you tip.
• COST: No piss is for free unless you are camping, of course even those are arguable because you are likely avoiding poison ivy and bear shit (both of which can have drastic unforeseen costs). Lexus of Portland, which has one of my favorite chamber pots, costs whatever for the car and whatever for the visit. So lets just say 40k joining fee (low end lexus) and $100 per use (every oil change). For that kind of money, I think that one can demand a decent place to urinate.

Other rules:

• KEEP REVIEWS CLEAN - I get the sense that nobody wants to hear the intricate details of how I saw a guy performing an "Upper Decker." Inferred humor will be applied liberally. For example, a good friend told a story about how his father set out one morning during an elk hunting trip to defacate in the woods. When he returned, he had no sleeve. Pretty freaking funny and you don't really have to set sail on your imagination boat through a river of shit.
• This list to grow.

Watch for my reviews to follow in the coming days, along with a greater definition of the rules.