NEVER...
Until now.
After several visits of taking my wife's toyota to the standard car dealership for oil changes, I felt the need to "one-up" the treatment to her car and take it someplace fancy. Therein lies the fundamental reason for my decision to take the urban cruiser to Lexus for a pampered lube job and hand-chamois car wash.
So it goes like this...
I drop the car in the bay, and nobody mistakes me for "that guy" trying to shimmy his lowly toyota into the ultra premium Dosha-like Lexus car spa. After passing off the keys, I walk into the bathroom and am greeted by all-glass sinks, and what appeared to be standard urinals. Upon looking at the middle of my cross-hairs, I noticed crushed ice.
Ice? What the hell is ice doing there???? To top it off, there was a "nothing but the best" rotund pink piss cake at the bottom of the cup.
The review....
- SPLISH SPLASH: 10. There was no evidence of even a microscopic microbial piss bubble making it's way to my shorts, legs or feet for that matter. Upon hitting the ice, any sort of refractory elements had been immediately disseminated and drooled through the plethora of pencil-sized holes that one has become so used to seeing. It was at this moment, I realized the ice was there for a reason, however as noted in other factors considered for review, the ice served yet a greater purpose.
- OLFACTORY PROPERTIES: 7. The piss cakes were complimented by one of those automated "who farted" odor neutralizers. If my eyes were closed, I would have assumed myself to be in Victoria's Secret, however since I left smelling like a florist, I could not rate it any higher than a medium to good "7."
- CLIMATE CONTROL: 10. We have Ice Ice Baby to thank here!! Expected humidity levels for a restroom are typically high enough to properly store cigars at a ripe 70%. Lacking an accurate hygrometer, I had only my keen senses to rely upon. Based on my non-scientific analysis, I felt so fresh and so clean, that I could only estimate the humidity levels to be the lowest I have ever experienced. It could have been caused by a robust HVAC unit, but I am led to believe the leading cause was the crushed, sea-shell sized ice-cubes that mitigated the humidity variance normally caused by many people urinating in the same, small and confined space. Very amazing, and I would suggest buying a Lexus (or a Toyota), if need be, just to experience this no fog cloud in the windows pissing time.
- COVERT FACTOR: 7. Pretty standard metal/plastic lined and painted beige dividers. A tall dude standing next to you, however, could probably see enough to tell whether you recently clipped your nails, or even worse, your arsenal.
- APERTURE: 7. Very clean, however nothing out of the ordinary. Staring at a framed picture of a $110k Lexus leaves little to the imagination. "The car we think is cool is in this picture in front of you....and its probably staying here, in this picture right in front of you."
- ATTENDENT: None.
- COST: Variable. $40k for Lexus (minimum), and $100 (minimum) for oil change. Alternatives include:
- being "that guy" and taking in your Toyota for a cheaper one-time cost (ie less than the stated $40k for Lexus).
- carrying a bag of ice with you when you go to pee at a different dealership. This reduces the cost to less than $1, however it is rather inconvenient. It may address some olifactory or climate issues, but will likely not address all of the environmental variables that cannot be controlled by you.
CONCLUSION: The average score rates in at 8.2. Not bad at all for a car dealership, but all in all pricey for 30 seconds of pure enjoyment.
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