Bathroom ratings in Portland

After having some non-trivial inspiration from the gigantic whale-shaped urinals at Deschutes Brewery, I have taken some time to reflect upon the varied places I have used throughout my life here in Portland that have struck me as being truely amazing. In order to guage the "bestness" of the various places I have been, I had to break it down to a few factors that I think are important and lend themselves to a good, mood-changing, experience:

• SPLISH SPLASH: Produced limited or no "splash-back" on my legs and shoes.
  
• OLFACTORY PROPERTIES: Through extensive use of piss-cakes, automatic sprayers, or even windows smell can be changed.
• CLIMATE CONTROL: Humidity, temperature and barometric pressure are all factors that can directly affect the exileration level of a urination.
• COVERT FACTOR: Peeing and having others see you is one of the most suck things I have ever really experienced.
  
• APERTURE: I would peg the visual aspects of cleanliness here, along with the presentation of the pot. The fancier or cooler-looking of course the better. Needless to say, a direct correlation has been established by our fore-fathers that the fancier the place you go to of course the better looking the water closet.
  
• ATTENDENT: This factor is inclusive of the quality of chewing gum provided for tips along with the laugh-factor of the one liner provided right before you tip.
• COST: No piss is for free unless you are camping, of course even those are arguable because you are likely avoiding poison ivy and bear shit (both of which can have drastic unforeseen costs). Lexus of Portland, which has one of my favorite chamber pots, costs whatever for the car and whatever for the visit. So lets just say 40k joining fee (low end lexus) and $100 per use (every oil change). For that kind of money, I think that one can demand a decent place to urinate.

Other rules:

• KEEP REVIEWS CLEAN - I get the sense that nobody wants to hear the intricate details of how I saw a guy performing an "Upper Decker." Inferred humor will be applied liberally. For example, a good friend told a story about how his father set out one morning during an elk hunting trip to defacate in the woods. When he returned, he had no sleeve. Pretty freaking funny and you don't really have to set sail on your imagination boat through a river of shit.
• This list to grow.

Watch for my reviews to follow in the coming days, along with a greater definition of the rules.